THE PARK IS MINE (1985)

Mentally unstable, rarely employed and emotionally stunted Vietnam War vet Tommy Lee Jones is unhappy that people (mainly himself) in New York City are being mistreated. He also hates that his ex-wife (whom he owes unpaid child support and likes to drop in on unexpectedly) calls him a “loser”. So, to prove that he’s a big, beautiful, stable genius he sets off a bunch of small explosives in Central Park, then runs around shooting up the joint.

The idea of a psycho or group of psychos taking over Central Park is great and full of highly entertaining possibilities. Unfortunately, none of those possibilities made it to the screen in THE PARK IS MINE because instead of a badass FIRST BLOOD or COMMANDO-style bullet-filled bloodbath with a memorable main character, we get a dorky-looking goober in camouflage clothes and super reflective sunglasses whining like a selfish child that life just isn’t fair. Not fair at all, gosh darn it!

Weak action scenes, meh acting, rubbish script, lame-looking clothing, a SWAT cop who cannot even see a huge roll of razor wire directly in front of him and walks right into it, one weak split second topless scene, dumb dialogue, stupid cops who never think of just simply releasing some attack dogs into the park with Tommy Lee's scent [insert Motley Crue joke here], good supporting cast, zero discussion about the complete traffic clusterfuck Manhattan would be if somebody stated launching grenades all over the place, dumb ending.

THE PARK IS MINE is an interesting movie because of the story idea, but it's unrealistic to think that a lone dude with an IQ lower than his shoe size could take over Central Park. Maybe a McDonald's PlayPlace after hours, but not Central Park. THE McDONALD'S PLAYPLACE IS MINE! I’d love to see a remake filled with drones and brutal violence. Until then we'll just have to watch DEADLY PREY again. "Danton...DAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!!"

This has nothing to do with the review, but I do remember renting that green cover VHS when I was a kid and being disappointed in the movie. Time hasn't changed that opinion. It's still boring.

COLD TURKEY (1971)

A large cigarette company, looking for some positive publicity, offers 25 million (tax-free) dollars to any town that can have all of its citizens stop smoking for 30 days. The only town to get 100% of its citizens to agree to the challenge, thanks to local preacher Dick Van Dyke, is Eagle Rock, Iowa, population: 4,006.

After a slow start (it’s nearly halfway through the movie before the contest even begins!), things pick up when the nicotine withdraws kick in and everybody starts acting like The Purge is popping off. That short segment was actually funny, minus the dog kicking joke, but the rest of the movie is pure meh. Which probably explains why the movie was filmed in 1969 and not released until 1971.

As it is, COLD TURKEY is amusing enough to keep the viewer engaged, but just barely. A lot of the staying power for me was the impressive supporting cast. It was like a who's who of comedic actors from that era. Sadly though none of it was actually funny, but watching Jean Stapleton sneeze over and over did make me smirk at the absurdity of it.

Vintage fashions, promising story idea that goes nowhere, vintage cars, good acting, a few humorous moments, zero nudity, zero feminist punk bands, zero cheerleaders, illogical contest with nobody really policing the contestants, terrible song over the boring opening credits, depressing ending. Also, for some odd reason, the town square scenes made me daydream about the town square scenes in SILVER BULLET.

I feel like I should say more about the movie, but it was just kind of a nothing movie. Great idea, but poor execution. Somebody could easily make a superior remake. Hell, I think the dullness of it has carried over onto me. This is probably the lamest review I've written in years. If you're looking a good review check out AMERICAN ANTHEM. That was a Happyotter classic! I also like how my update was longer than the review itself. Hahaha. Fucking stupid.

One thing I did find interesting was the shot of Dick Van Dyke walking down the sidewalk when suddenly it cuts to slow-motion and a group of children go running by while wearing Dick Van Dyke masks. The whole thing reminded me of Chris Cunningham's masterpiece video for Aphex Twin's “Come to Daddy” made nearly 30 years later.